Giant Aggressive Iguanas and Toilet Dwelling Creatures Are Taking Over Greeley!

Once a week my hometown newspaper, the Greeley Tribune, puts together what they call their Crime Log. Basically they find the weirdest sh** that the cops encountered, and believe me there is a lot, in the town over the previous week. This week we learned that the town seems to be under attack by giant lizards and other unidentified toilet dwelling creatures. 

I am not sure about you, but two of my biggest fears in life are things large enough to eat me, and things biting my ass while I am sitting on the toilet... Bad news for me and anyone else with these fears that also lives in Greeley. It seems as though we may have both. Both of these calls went into the Greeley Police Department on March 12th:

9:31 a.m.: A woman called for an animal control officer because her 4½-foot iguana was being aggressive with her daughter.

7:39 p.m.: A caller said something was living in an apartment toilet and wanted an animal control officer to come see what it was. The officer found that whatever was in the toilet didn’t look like an animal but appeared to be some type of plastic or jewelry. The caller was going to call the landlord to remove the toilet.

I am hoping two things here. One, that the 41/2-foot iguana is at least half tail so that eating a human is out of the question. And two, that whatever kind of jewelry looks like it is big enough to be an animal, my future wife never sees (bet that's pricey!).

There are also two lessons to be learned here. First one is, don't have a lizard or any animal that is capable of eating your kid. The second lesson being, if there is something in your toilet that isn't moving, it's probably either a turd or piece of jewelry, not an animal!

Some of the other Crime Log highlights this week included:

-A woman reported that someone had left a note on her ex-husband’s door saying, “He’s a married man, and he’s having an affair with your neighbor,” along with a picture of the man. The caller didn’t like the fact that someone was on her ex-husband’s property because her children reside there.

-A caller reported that the neighbor’s three dogs, five puppies and 12 ducks were making a lot of noise. An officer found that ducks are not mentioned in the city’s ordinances but spoke with the neighbor about the noise complaint.

-A caller reported a flock of wild turkeys that was about to enter the roadway near 35th Avenue and 20th Street.