Tammy reveals herself as a crazy person this week, but before we get to that, everyone is still talking about Alayah (I know I'm like two days late but I don't have cable I'm sorry).

The girls still hate Peter for giving Alayah the group date rose, and he goes on an apology spree with about the same passion as Johnny Depp and Amber Heard.

Realizing that he can't afford to lose his Bachelor title, he cripples under peer pressure and send Alayah home again. I can't with you, Peter.

Rose Ceremony #1

Peter sends Deandra, Kiarra, and some blonde girl who I literally do not recognize home. Deandra's mouth is open the entire time.

Courtesy of The Bachelor Facebook page.

Peter's Accident

Peter has 22 stitches in his head because he ran into a golf cart and smashed a glass into his face. Yup, this is the "freak accident" we've been hearing about since October.

He also continues to talk about how depressing his injury is for the the rest of the episode. People are dying, Peter.

At least they're in Costa Rica now and no one has to pretend they like Cleveland anymore.

One on One - Sydney

Peter takes Sydney on a romantic helicopter ride over Costa Rica, while she says the phrase "our relationship is taking off" an insufferable amount of times.

Then, they make out in a waterfall for a really long time. We learn that Sydney is the best kisser of the group, and the Peter has a finger tattoo??

He also calls Sydney his "rock" in all the drama...as if she didn't single-handedly didn't start the Alayah debacle.

Meanwhile, back at the mansion, Kelsey is uncontrollably crying because she is having difficulty processing that Peter is on a date with another woman. Do you remember what show you're on, Kelsey?

Group Date

The girls have to do a photo shoot for Cosmopolitan, with the winner getting to be on the March cover with Peter.

Victoria F. made out with Peter and won the challenge, but her cover has been cancelled due to some allegedly racist pictures of her that have leaked.

Cocktail Party

After listening to Kelsey's drunk rant about Sydney, Tammy tells the rest of the house that Kelsey is emotionally unstable.

Kelsey find outs and tells Tammy that there's nothing wrong with being emotional and crying a lot. I can't believe I'm saying this...but same, Kelsey, same.

Hannah Ann gets the rose for literally no reason.

One on One - Kelly

Even though they've had great chemistry so far, Peter has decided out of nowhere that Kelly doesn't like him enough.

Instead of talking to her about it, he takes her to some foreign shaman people who basically tell them that their love is doomed.

At dinner, Kelly is a mature and normal person and explains to Peter that she likes him, but isn't in love yet because it's only been a few weeks.

Peter responds like the Spongebob meme: bUt ThEN whY DId tHe ShAmAn SaY tHaT?

Thankfully, he's not a total idiot, and she gets the rose.

Kelsey vs. Tammy

Kelsey confronts Tammy and they are officially no longer friends. Tammy goes to tell Peter that she thinks Kelsey is crazy.

Kelsey goes to Peter to defend herself, telling him that she's just emotional, not crazy. She also makes a comment about how she doesn't pop pills, which I don't remember Tammy saying, but apparently that rumor's been out there.

Peter is impressed by Kelsey's honesty and gives her a rose.

He then cancels the cocktail party and all of the girls blame Kelsey for it...which is stupid. She just took initiative, y'all.

Kelsey brings up the pill popping rumor, and then all the girls suddenly turn on Tammy for spreading gossip.

She says she heard the rumor from Victoria P., Sydney tries to act like she doesn't gossip, Tammy cries, and McKenna licks her lips like a serial killer.

In sum, the world is over.

Rose Ceremony #2

Tammy and McKenna interrupt the rose ceremony to get extra time with Peter, but it doesn't really change much. The other girls are pissed. Lexi and Shiann go home.

Just when you think everything is resolved, Shiann warns Peter that there's bad girls in the house...ugh. I can't handle another existential crisis from Peter.

But will I watch one? Yes.

Quotes of the Night

  • "She has made her bed and she has to Alayah in it."
  • "If I don't get a rose tonight I'm going to set the building on fire."
  • "I don't think when my grandpa died I cried for that long."
  • "This is a nice view. Want to go inside?"

I can feel this show slowly killing my brain cells as I type, but I will be back here for the week's second episode on Wednesday.

I am accepting wine donations for my sacrifice.

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