Fortune Cookie Messages That Never Made The Cut

It's funny, I have way more of a sweet tooth that wants me to be 500 pounds, yet every time we go to Asian Grill Express or Main Moon, my fortune cookie goes uneaten.  Seriously, they need to start putting frosting on those damn things.

That said, since tomorrow (January 28th) is the start of the Chinese New Year, it's the perfect time to check out The Top Rejected Fortune Cookie Messages.

• My other job is assembling iPhones.  I am nine-and-a-half.  Please help me.
• The early bird gets the worm.  But sleep in and someone else might make pancakes.
• You want something positive and uplifting?  I'm a tiny slip of paper, not a miracle worker.
• Does it bother you a stranger stuck paper in your food?
• Success is right around the corner.  And the corner after that:  a dead squirrel.
• Follow your heart.  Unless you have a magnetic penis.  Then follow that.
• Admit it:  you're only cheering for the Falcons because you hate the Patriots.
• Love is the answer.  Unless the question is, "What keeps your marriage together?"  Then the answer is "Fear of the unknown."
• Patience is a virtue.  But seriously, the only way to get traffic moving is to lay on your horn and scream at everyone to hurry the hell up.
• You will find this piece of paper in your coat pocket seven months from now.
• This isn't a prediction.  It's an "alternative future."
• Bring this in for 20% off at Elegant Nail.
• Why are you eating high-carb noodles and rice, lard ass?
• The #2 is big in your life today.  Yep, you'll drop a huge deuce after eating this garbage.
• A new friend will enter your life.  But only if you pay her $300 an hour.
• A dream you have will come true.  Your wife will serve you divorce papers.
• Ha-ha!  The cookie you just ate is loaded with gluten!
• You put the "suck" in success.